final thoughts

I'm shutting this place down.

It may reopen later.

I'm not taking anything away, but I'm not really adding anything either.

you can find me here or here.



thanks,
-d.

a million saturdays working

So here I am again. Stuck at work on a Sat. evening. My bestfriend from highschool got married sometime in the last hour or so. Next weekend friends from around the country will be meeting up to celebrate their love for great music. I'm sure that I'll be sitting here in this chair.

And, truthfully, I feel absolutely wonderful. I know I'm missing out on these things, but it's not affecting me like I would expect. I hit a plateau in my stress levels last week, and it was driving me mad, hurting me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And so I did the only thing I know to relieve the agonizing why's and what if's. I started letting things go -- little by little at first. Soon you start feeling better. So good, in fact, that you start shredding all the worries of life from yourself. Bliss and Peace become tangible things that you can wrap yourself in; it gains you comfort. And now, like my warm bed on these very chilly mornings, I'm finding it hard to leave behind. I'm finding it hard to concern myself with anything that will cause pain or strife or worry.

In short -- I don't care. I don't want to, and you can't make me. heh.

And sometime along the way, the Holiday Spirit crept in. I've found myself humming bits of old songs under my breath as I proof orders, or file reference sheets back into the filing cabinets. If I could play music on a daily basis here (the music nazis won't allow it for some odd reason,) I'm sure I would be in full-swing Christmas Mood. I find myself sitting at night wishing that I had put up some sort of decoration - some garland hung across the door frame, or some Christmas lights strung along the ceiling, even a small tree (maybe.) I didn't do any of that, so I light a candle and smoke another Marlboro and fall into the duldroms for a while. I think about you and imagine us having a great time spreading cheer. Wouldn't that be nice.

Life gets pretty heavy and I wish it was light,
but after all I love the night.
OtR

momentary lapse of reason

All of the sudden, I feel like dying. I feel desperation sneaking up inside me, swelling, begging to be set free. I know that I won’t do it. That I cannot, will not, give myself into that lesser emotion, but it does not change the fact that it’s there, deep within.

Am I foolish to think that I’m on the path that destiny has chosen for me? Am I foolish for letting fate take the fall for all my iniquities and the consequences of the million poor decisions I’ve made? Do I spit in God’s face, and my own, when I chalk this life up to circumstance and not the free will of this man?

In many ways I am still but a boy, a sapling yet to grow into a tree, but here I am a man with a man’s responsibilities. This is my life, chosen by me or some other thing, for I have not words to describe such a malicious being, that gnaws at a man’s heart and steals his secret aspirations while he is not aware.

Do you do you still dream of great things? Do you chance to love and be loved and to live life for what it is worth? For life is worth all life, and both end in death – reward or recompense, decisions again.

. . . . . .

not a journal entry folks, but more of what I call conscience writing. no worries, enjoy!

haiku

Snow drops keep falling
Skies spit orbs of winter dust
Spinning white gold rain

Liberating God From the Minds of Men

Last night, as I lay awake in the heat, trying desperately to sleep, I began a conversation in my mind. In it were two characters: myself and an ex-pastor of mine. We have quite a history between us, but that is neither here nor there. In the short, a long time ago, we wronged one another and neither of us have had the gull to apologize to the other, and so we have since parted ways. Anyway, before I get completely off track, The Pastor and I were discussing our views about the world, mankind and the like. Needless to say there was and is a great divide in our beliefs, but as you may already know it is quite possible for two men to walk two entirely different paths, ending up at exactly the same destination. Regardless of our differences, the two of us were managing to have a fairly civil conversation, except that he kept insisting that I not use any profanity (and if you know me personally, you’ll know that is a near impossibility)

Throughout our conversation, The Pastor has relatively good points – this I’ve always known, being as I attended church regularly since I was a boy up until a few years back. The way of church, I believe, is fairly righteous, if not often a little backwards. For the most part though, the guidelines they set before their congregation are simple values in place so that the people may lead a good, wholesome life. The trouble begins when the masses become so institutionalized. Soon enough, they start using their own accepted values as a measuring stick for all man’s worthiness of God’s grace (forgetting, in fact, that no man is worthy of God.) The imposition of a single set of values upon the whole of society doesn’t end up being righteous at all, but terribly obtuse in judgment.

Literalism can be quite dangerous, especially when taken to the extreme. History shows us that Fundamentalism and the imposition of their (often extreme) set of moral codes most often results in violence against those who the institution deems unworthy, or unclean. Often it seems that the church has taken on the role of Michael, the archangel, seeking to cleanse the earth of all traces of perdition and sin; it is through these acts of ‘cleansing’ that we find the most terrible acts of atrocity: war, murder and genocide, justified because the institutionalized masses collectively decide, with surety, the will of God.

And there’s the rub.

Now, I don’t think it an impossibility to know God or His will. I think that God speaks to all of us, everyone. I know with certainty that I have felt a guiding hand in my life; I have seen His great works with my eyes, but I would not suppose that what He does in my life is a mandate issued for the earth. Of course, The Pastor comes back with the only rebuttal a Literalist can have: Scripture! Scripture! Scripture! But that’s where we have to disagree, in the interpretation of the scripture. The Pastor uses the scripture to trap God into a little box of dogmatic do’s and don’ts, and I try my damndest to let it set me free.

. . . . . .

Once upon a time, I too was quite the literalist. Some would even say that I was a fanatic. But when I became so wrapped up in my spirituality that I wanted to abandon everything this earth had endowed me, and take up my cross, and walk the earth on faith alone –everyone, the church especially, told me I was insane, a crazyman. They told me that I could not give up my life, that faith simply did not work that way. Some days I actually lament that I listened to them, but I would have missed out on so much.

pneumonia for my birthday

*ugh*

So I came down with a weird flu-like virus last week that magically transformed itself into a nasty (slight) pneumonia in my right lung. It was pretty much a downer with a lot of coughing and aching and fever. And if this was a *slight* pneumonia, I don't think I could ever put up with the real deal -- you'd think people die of such things. But, anyway, the doctors pumped me full of Amelox (a strong antibiotic) and cough syrup with HydroCodone in it and gave me an inhaler (my first one) full of Albuterol.

That pretty much fixed me up in no time at all. Which is good, because today is my birthday. And it would be nice to be able to go home and drink a couple of beers in celebration of me breaking out of my mother's womb, some twenty-five years ago. Thank God I finished the antibiotic yesterday (I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to drink alcohol whilst on an antibiotic.)

So, I just wanted to write and say that if I've seen you (in real life, or in cyberspace) and you've wished me a happy birthday, or good health, or a hello -- I just wanted to say thanks. I appreciate hearing from you. I appreciate your friendship. I've been working on being a better friend, myself. Trying to keep up with everybody and responding to emails and whatnot is a lot of hard work. So, I wanted to let you know that I do like you (and appreciate the hard work you do too.)

later gators,
-dboy.

'nilla

Random thought of the day:

I think vanilla is the finest of the flavors. Especially for things like ice-cream or pudding, or even cake really. (isn't that what a yellow cake is?)

Anyway, I just thought I would share the preference with you.

. . . . .

It's been a rather long week at work, and we're only halfway through. I think it's due to having worked late last Saturday. All in all, I don't mind working the overtime, but it tends to make the following week a drag, especially if you do several Saturdays in a row. Coming into works moves from being a downer, to a drag, to unbearable, to complete Hell. But I'm getting ahead of myself, that's not supposed to happen till late July. (if it happens at all this year)

Which brings me to the fact that my supervisor told me yesterday that we were in fact selling out, although not to mega T-shirt supplier Hanes. And that the paperwork was supposed to be finalized today (and subsequently today would be M VonH.'s last day as president.) I couldn't even feign interest. How do you politely tell someone "I don't really care?"

It's not as if this place is going to close it's doors (that is if they did sell - I mean, who can trust their boss.) Hello? I do the order maintenance for embroidery orders every day, and we're receiving orders up until the end of December already! I guess people just need something to talk about.

anyhoo -- I'm gonna run before I do get caught by the internet Nazi's and really do lose my job.

ciao,
-dboy.

utility companies are the devil

CAUTION!! LONG RANT AHEAD!!

So Vectron, the only gas company that supplies to the good people who live in this god-forsaken town, came and shut my gas off Thursday.

Now, this would be completely understandable if, say, I owed them money or was terribly late in paying my bill, but that is not the case. In fact, I just turned the gas on in my name the Friday before. And the Monday after, I hauled my ass down to Ulbrecht's IGA to pay an outrageous $120 security deposit. So, not only do I not owe them money -- they have an extra hundred dollars of mine. Still, I have no gas.

The story goes that a guy pulls up in a Vectron truck about ten minutes before I have to leave for work. After he finishes his cigarette he gets out, comes to the door and hands me a bill/disconnect notice for a Mr. Patrick Blosser. (Pat, if you're out there - go pay you're fucking bill!) As soon as I discovered that the bill was not mine, I came out and tried to explain to the nice fella that there was some sort of mistake - that Patrick Blosser doesn't live here and that I had recently started the account for this residence in my name. He seemed nice enough about, explaining that he would have to call his supervisor to get things cleared out.

I figured that he would be on the telephone for more than 10 seconds, so I turned around to throw my T-shirt on (I had been sitting around in my wife-beater) and as I headed back out the door, he was turning off my gas. I tried to stop him, but he muttered something about orders and having to turn off the gas regardless. Then he hopped in his truck and took the fuck off. I guess I was probably pretty scary looking at the moment.

For the next hour and a half I alternated between talking to complete morons who work at the customer service call center and listening to intolerable music. Ok, I lie -- I started out talking and pretty much ended up cussing out whoever was unfortunate enough to be on the other end of the line, and the music was terrible, only aggravating me more and more each time they put me back on hold.

Honestly I must have went through the entire chain of customer service reps, supervisors, and managers. They all assured me that it was a mistake and that my gas would be turned on the next day. They assured me that no one was available to come back and turn it on right away, and were regrettable in informing me that they could not give me any kind of time table on when a worker would be available the following day. I finally relented and assured them that if the problem was not fixed tomorrow, as early as possible, that they would be receiving another call, and that the next time I wouldn't be so genial.

So, when I get home from work on Thursday (which wasn't that bad because I ended up taking a half day so that I could scream at the gas company and then calm myself down) there's a note from Vectron saying that a technician had stopped by to install an automatic meter reader and didn't catch me home. They wondered if I might call in the next day to set up a time that the work could be done, whatever was convenient for me. HA!

And now, the rage returns.

So, I drink a few beers and go to bed, thinking that it'll all be Ok in the morning when this guy gets here and turns my gas back on so that I can take a nice hot shower and have a decent Friday at work. Besides, I wasn't really missing any money, seeing as I have to work Saturday anway.

So I wake up at eleven and the guy still hasn't come. I go ahead and make coffee and eat an apple and smoke three or four cigarettes thinking that they must have a busy day. The hour passes and I figure they've taken a break for lunch and that if I want to go to work, I had better just clean up in the sink with cold water and make ready.

And then I make lunch and have a few more cigarettes and a couple cups of coffee and the guy still hasn't come. I asked my sis to stick around the apartment so that when the guys from the gas company come they can get in to turn the gas back on. See -- they say that they can shut the gas off from the outside, but that they can't get it back on without having access to the cellar.
Anyway, I go to work and try not to think about my situation and do my job, but I'm still kind of fuming that the guy couldn't get around to doing my place before I left for work.

So I finally get off and make towards the house, looking forward (again) to having a nice Hot shower before I go out and have a couple of drinks with my friends. But when I make my way in and try the kitchen faucet, there's no hot water. I go the basement and make sure the water heater is turned on and working, but the pilot won't light -- because there's no gas. That's right, the fuckers still didn't come and turn my gas on.

But, I decided not to get mad -- cause I don't like to stress myself out, plus I figured I would save it for a more convenient time, namely when someone from Vectron was on the other line of a telephone. I can tell you the people are lucky they decided to do away with their local offices, cause I sure would have liked to smack the stupid out of some of those people today.

yet another, new beginning

So, I've been on hiatus forever, but I think I'm ready to start myself back into society. Sometimes, I need to just break and gather my thoughts. . .

Work has been really great lately. Every one there is freaking out because there are rumors that the company is going to be bought out by Hanes (and they're all afraid that the big bad corporation will come in and wipe everyone's jobs) but I got word this week that Hanes only invested in our company and dumped some (read:a lot) of their product on us. Not only does this not mean a take-over of our little company, but plenty of business thrown our way, plus many improvements in the shop. We're going to be moving to a paperless ordering system, which is great for me being one of the only people in our distrubution center that knows how to turn on a computer. heh. I've been up to my armpits in transferring old stuff into the system, and although data entry sucks, in many ways it beats having to scrape for my job in the embroidery department like everyone else.

Also! I finally, finally, got my own place! Well, not exactly my own place, but a place to share with my lil' sis. We're moving on Good Friday to a nice little two bedroom house towards the (non-existent) downtown area. I'm (obviously) uber-excited. And, believe it or not, it's not so much the new personal space, because I like being close to my family, but I haven't even seen the majority of my stuff for over two years. TWO YEARS, PEOPLE! Most all of my books, my records, my chess board, all of it. Hell, after this long I'm excited to see my damn vacuum! heh.

Anyway, things are lookin' good here in Sidney -- the weather's turning nice, there are birds a-singin' and flowers bloomin'. I think for the first time since I got here, I'm happy to be in podunk.

Hope all is well with you too,
-d.

deeper in the void

close your eyes and imagine. . .

nothing.